:)

lama tak post ape ape en. this time saje nak tulis something, something yg dh mmg lama ad dlm kepala aku.
im sure no one will read this, not even her, sbb lama jugak lah aku tak update, so, mungkin takde org perasan, hehe.

Pertama kali aku rasa despair , tak de harapan yg amat sangat ialah masa Tuk Wan aku meninggal. Time tu aku form 5. dekat dekat nak spm jugak ah. peh time tu, Allah je tahu aku rasa mcam mana. Hancur hati and everything, time tu, aku dh ckap kat diri sendiri, i cant handle death so well. Kematian Tuk Wan aku haritu, mmg ad tggalkan kesan yg amat besar kat aku. Now, haih,Tokki aku pulak sakit, sakit tua, org selalu cakap biasalah kan, dh tua. Tp tu lah, skang ayah aku suruh aku jaga dia, berenti la kje kejap. Setiap hari, aku tido lewat semata nak tgok atok aku tido lena tanpa sakit, dan setiap kali aku dgr dia meraung sakit, setiap kali tu jugak hati aku hancur sikit demi sikit, aku bangun pagi setiap hari dgn harapn aku dpt tgok dia sehari lagi. cukup sekali aku rasa sakitnya hati nak handle kematian.sekarang pulak, tambah dgn ayah aku, sakitnya ntah lah, aku pon tak reti nak cakp, ubat dye pn smpai 16k, itupon doktor cakap, side effects ubat tu sgt kuat, ayah aku demam setiaphari, rambut makin gugur, hm. mcamana aku nak handle semua ni.

truth be told , aku takot sgt nak tggal atok aku, ayah aku dgn keadaan mcm ni. aku rasa bertanggungjawab. walau yelah mungkin ayh aku, mak aku, adik aku, tgok aku selamber je mcm xde perasaan, tp dlm hati, tuhan je tahu. perasaan lonely ape semua tu, aku tolak tepi lah dulu, besi tu je ah tempat aku lepas semua stress aku, besi je lah tempat aku lepas semua nya, korang tak caya, try ah, hehe, bagus untuk stress aw workout ni hmm.. nak belajar pon mcm xde mood, boleh ke aku belajar dgn pikiran aku sentiasa kat family aku. org lain mungkin boleh, tapi aku tak. aku tak sekuat tu. ntah lah, aku harap sgt, Allah tarik aku dulu, daripada family aku. biarlah aku pergi kalau itu dpt panjangkan umur family aku. baik mcm tu . aku tak snggup. :)

the Un-Satisfactory.

i prefer to say that this blog is like my personal diary. or, as a place to express my feelings without being judged. despite, everyone knows that once a blog go public, it's open for critics and comments, bad talking, and many other bullshits that is going on.well, Typical Malay. Ehem, so to start off, i would like to tell you what i experience last week, and what i was going through this week. Last week was a one hell of a experience for me. Something happened, and it, or what happened has made me speechless and somehow, crushed me. Not literally but still. The pain was real. No blood, no bruise, but it hurts. I still ask the same question. Why? Why? Why? Ohhh, the pain. The suffering. So, i told myself. It's okay. I still stand by my principle. However bad the situation may be, i will always remember my code. My honor. But yeah, i' m crushed. I'm speechless. I'm sad. Never have i thought that it will happened. Something that i hold so near and dear, would back stab me. Noooo, never in a million years. I wanted to face the problem, but i knew, if i do, it would only makes the problem a lot bigger. And so i waited. But, somehow, i think that the wait is not worth it, however i try to understand it, however i try to communicate with it, it ran away, it deceives me. And that hurts most than anything. Well, i've tried. I tried to understand. But i could not, being the hot tempered guy. It will always protect the truth, deceiving and lying till come a point i could not know what was real, and what was not. Say it for a better good, but is not the saying goes, " However bitter the truth is, we just got to learn to swallow it," . Or has i hear it wrong? You tell me. And oh, High Zoom. A code which only the Brothers Of 4303 knows. and F group. cheerio fellas :D

sorry for the long post.

in a very long period of time.

Here goes nothing,
     Well hello, it's been a long time since i wrote anything in my blog, i'm damn sure there's no one reading my blog, but hey, this is just a way for me to express and a way for me to communicate, if you know what i mean. These past few days have proven something very important for me. There's been quite a few events that i care to dot as significant in my life. A friend of my, a Sarawakin. A girl. A Christian. I met her just few days ago, but i've known her for 4 years, on a online social networking site, Tagged. She told me that she was searching for god, the one and only. and what amazed me the most was that she found god in Islam, eventhough she is a Christian. That kinda woke me up, she search for her god, but me? I am a Muslim, I was born in a Muslim family. Most of my life, i would just ignored what my religion ask me to do, i would just say nahhhh, esoklah smayang., but her? she found Allah. She searches for him. Makes me think , how i am bad, how i am unworthful of the goodness of Him. O' Allah. Please forgive me for all i have sinned towards you.

Please give me the rightful way towards your love and heaven.
    

     Second part,
        Dedicated to the one girl truly  i love.  Cik Mirrah Diyana. I'm not going to tell you that i've written this. So if you reading it now, I'm sorry. First of all, I just wanted to say that i'm very lucky to have you, lucky to have you as someone to love, someone to share stories, someone who'll succumb to my needs, without even saying a word of denial. If angels that'll will accompany all Muslim in heaven are beautiful and perfect, I would just want you. If i could ask Him, i would ask him to just let me be in eternity with you. Honey, you're already perfect for me, you don't need to worry about how you look, how you dress, how your weight has 't gained, no honey, you don't have to. Sometimes i laugh at how you were so scared of me leaving you, but the fact is, i am more terrified of you leaving me. Horribly terrified. Honey, i'm sorry if i scolded you, mad at you, but that's me, I can't control how i am when i'm mad, what i know is to just spray everything out of my system. I've tried to change, believe me, i do. Everytime after i scolded you, I get this really insecure feeling, like i've done something so bad, i've to go to jail and the warden will throw away the key to the dumpster. What Cak Ci say is true, been true since the day i met you. I am worthless of you love. After i met you, there's no other woman in life. I just want you. I see only you, everytime a walk to class, there's always a random girl that looked like you, and i would say, " ade meh meh Mirrah gak dak nih, comel comel ," . You are my sweetest, you are my heart. Everyday i would think about you, worrying if you've found someone else that treats you better than i do. So Mirrah, don't be so low of yourself, be proud, hold up your head high, walk with dignity and passion. Cause you are my everything.

curahan luahan idea.

cerita kali ni simple ja,
HEARTS and MINDS
heart mksud aku disini bukan limpa mahupon hati kita, tapi perasaan,

dan mind bukan otak, tapi fikiran, mksud dia dekat nak sam dgn perasaan jugak la.

perasaan ni satu mnda yang susah org nak agak, lain org, lain lah perasaan,

dan lain jugak fikiran,

bendanya simple, kalu kita xmau perasaan, fikiran kita celaru,

jgn buat bnda bnda xelok, jgn buat jahat kat org,

senang, jgn buat pape kat org yang korang xmau diorang buat kat korang.

hah, amek, berbelitz ayat tuh,

pham kan sndiri yeah:)
kita mesti berusaha nak buat semua org happy , semua org di sekeliling kita la,

yang dah bawah kita pon perlu, tpi ad cara dia , lain pulak tuu.

kalau kita dah ad usaha, kita dah buat segalanya untuk org len, kita berkorban masa,

wang segala la, untuk sape sape disekeliling kita, itu bagus,

tp kalau kita ni xdihargai, jgn kecik hati, mnda tu biasa lah,

kita buat dia mcam tong minyak sejuta, tp kita dia buat mcm tong sampah,

jgn kecik hati, sabar, buat demi tuhan , buat demi kebaikan bersama,

masa tu lah hati tenang fikiran lapang,

sebab dpt tlong org,:)

kita jadi tong sampah xpa, asl diorang happy n kita niat untuk tuhan:)

peace y'alls.:)